Weekend Humor: Confused About the Term Megapickle, Consumers Purchase Pickles En Masse

Chris Gampat The Phoblographer Canon 70D product images for announcement (3 of 6)

We recently picked up a report about Sony’s new flagship phone having a busty sensor capacity, and the term megapickle sent the world at large into a tizzy. Seemingly confused about the term adopted by members of photography’s old guard as a way to poke fun at the digital arms race, consumers found themselves in a pickle: buy big or go to Burger King and settle for gross imitation sliced pickles. Claussen and Vlasic, both giants in the pickle arena, saw their best quarter yet as consumers stockpiled for the impending megapickle war between Canon, Nikon, and Sony’s hardiest fanboys.

“It’s not about the money, it’s about sending a message,” Maxwell Von Schlassen told us over the phone after we asked him about his recent purchase of two tons of Claussen pickles alongside his purchase of a Nikon D800. With 36.3 MP and two tons of pickles in his armory, Von Schlassen feels confident that he will be able to fend off factions from within Nikon’s camp as well as enemy forces from Sony and Canon. “I recently read your report about Sony’s phone sporting 20 megapickles, and I realized that I was tragically behind the curve.” We sighed as he expounded on his pickle fervor,  but we found ourselves unable to diabuse him of what megapickle really means.

The confusion, we found, wasn’t totally confined to men with deep pockets. Consumers at all levels of wealth have been dipping their hands into the jar hoping to get a crunchy one. Fifteen-year-old Janice Murkowski has saved up four Christmas’ worth of money in order to purchase a Sony a77, but much to her dismay, she found that she only had enough cash left over for a few jars of Vlasic. Janice and her family hate Claussen for reasons she chose not to disclose. She feels tragically ill-prepared with only three jars of Vlasic pickles. “I won’t survive,” she cried. “When I emailed one of your writers about the megapickle thing, he told me, ‘It’s all about the megapickles, baby.’ How am I supposed to live in this world with only three jars?!”

The executives at Claussen and Vlasic were somewhat confused, but mostly delighted, by the sharp uptick in sales. Vlasic’s COO, Johann der Teuffel, sent us a note in which he thanked us for inadvertently quadrupling their profits in such a short period of time. Included in the note was a guarantee for a lifetime supply of pickles. Claussen sent us a similar note with the same guarantee.

So it seems The Phoblographer has won the megapickle war. We’d like to thank our readers and the world. Without you, we wouldn’t be neck-deep in pickles right now.

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