Weekend Humor isn’t meant to be taken seriously. So don’t. We’re serious, ya rube.
About a month ago, Jurgen Stöfenböf, Justin Bieber’s tour photographer, decided to up his game with the purchase of a Leica S2. Up until that point, Stöfenböf had been using whatever camera was available at the Duane Reade closest to the concert venue because Bieliebers don’t care. They’ll take anything and everything. Since he was making more money than his photos will ever be worth, Stöfenböf decided to take his craft seriously, so he went from a $15 instant camera to a $25,000 medium format goliath. There was, however, a problem. A line of code in the S2’s sensor caused all images of Justin Bieber to change into images of kittens.
Stöfenböf was so ridiculously excited about the Leica S2, a camera for the manliest of men. He took it out for a spin at Bieber’s sold-out concert at The O2 Arena in London last week. 20,000 13-year-old girls were in attendance. 10,000 14 to 17-year-old girls were tailgating. Several thousand unnaturally muscular girls were climbing up the sides of the Arena to try and get a look inside.
The S2 worked beautifully, but Stöfenböf applied his instant camera mentality to the S2. To wit, he never looked at the camera’s LCD to check what he was taking. For the first ten minutes, he couldn’t understand why everything looked black in the viewfinder, but he then realized that he need to take off the lens cap and turn the camera on. Once he got it working, he shot endlessly.
Back at Bieber HQ, Stöfenböf stared at the screen in horror as he loaded his images into iPhoto. Every image of Bieber was an image of a kitten. Stöfenböf shouted Bieber’s name. The Canadian wunderkind came from his bedroom where he was chewing on a set of Fisher-Price car keys. According to his handlers, Bieber recently started teething. Upon seeing the photos, Bieber shouted “Kitty!” and then he started meowing. At least, that is according to the 13-year-old girl staring inside Bieber HQ from across the street.
Stöfenböf had to remind Bieber that what happened wasn’t good in rudimentary English. “No. Not good. Picture not you. Leica no like Justin. Leica bad,” Stöfenböf said. “Leica bad!” shouted Bieber for several minutes. Bieber’s tweeter-for-hire then tweeted, “omg guys, @leica_camera hates me”. Two seconds later, Twitter went bananas.
That tweet was retweeted was retweeted ten trillion times. Leica’s twitter was flooded with seemingly endless tweets from angry tweens. Here are some of the tweets:
@leica_camera HOW DARE YOU! I LUV JUSTIN BIEBER! BEIBER4EVER
@leica_camera you make shitty cameras. WHO USES YOU ANYWAY?!?!?!?!?! I LOVE BIEBER!
@leica_camera you are soooooooo STUPID!!!!! BIEBER4LIFE!!!!!!
Leica’s popularity in the tween market plummeted, but the tween conception of photography is largely limited to whether or not Justin Bieber is in the photograph. The Twitter explosion, however, was a large enough nuisance that it caused COO Hans von Hefeweisen to issue a response. At an emergency board meeting, he said one word, “Bruno.” Leica then dispatched its Austrian muscle to Bieber’s concert in Berlin.
Bieber opened his concert with “Baby”, but as he approached the chorus, Bruno lurched onstage. Leica paid off Beiber’s security to look the other way. Bieber sang, “And I was like–” when Bruno knocked him out and shouted “SHUT THE F*** UP.” Silence filled the venue. Tens of thousands of tweens quietly cried over their unconscious god. Bruno wore his trademark Leica brass knuckles which left a permanent imprint of the Leica logo on Bieber’s face.
Bruno bellowed in German, “LEICA IST DIE BESTE KAMERA IN DER WELT!” As Bruno pelted the crowd with aphorisms about Leica’s greatness, Bieber slowly woke up. The tween collective clapped, cried, and cheered as he got to his feet. Bruno noticed why attention was being diverted, and he smacked Bieber with an M9. The force from the blow bloodied the face of the sweet little angel child.
Bruno continued the concert in German.
“UND ICH WAR WIE, BABY, BABY, BABY, OOH!”
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